Motherhood

Motherhood. Uhm.

I guess I have to say readers that I have not been blessed with the mother gene.

Mothers-you have my complete respect!!!

I believe being a mother is the most difficult task that a woman can undertake.

Readers listen:

I distinctly remember the trials and tribulations my grandmother endured with her children even when they were grown!!!

Some of her children challenged her more than others.

What sealed my desire to never want kids is one time in particular when grandma was dealing with the stress of one of her grown sons who was constantly in trouble with the law.

She was so at her wits end that she felt that her child-to whom she gave life-would be better off dead!!

Imagine…

I know that for some women being a mother is a blessing.

Faced with the prospect of not being able to bear children can drive some women insane.

I always feared that having children would drive me out of mind!!!

I always equated motherhood with the greatest beast of burden.

Why?

I guess I never had any good models coming of age.

Growing up, my grandmother constantly impressed upon my sisters and me the devastating effects of having children.

I’ll never forget her pearls of wisdom:

“A baby will definitely fuck up your life”!!!

In some part of my psyche, I still believe this very much!!

My older sister became a mother for the first time at a very young age.

Boy oh boy!!!

Come to life was my grandmother’s worst nightmare.

She had always threatened that if we became pregnant, she would do her best to kill us!!!

Believe me readers, this is real-no joke…

Obviously her baby phobia stems from her in a sense being forced to bear several children-eight of who survived.

You see, according to my grandmother, she felt severely hindered by motherhood.

Picture it:

A Black woman in the rural South in the early twentieth century.

What opportunities did she have?

They were extremely limited!

Typical of poor Black women in that era, she married young.

Although I would like to believe that at one time she was a happy-go-lucky young bride, I never saw this happiness.

By the time my brother and I came to live with her and my grandfather, she was thoroughly miserable!

Being a witness to the battles they used to have, I can only imagine the ones they had as a young couple!

My grandfather was becoming infirm by this time.

As a result of years of smoking, he was bound to a cumbersome oxygen tank.

That didn’t stop his occasional rages at my grandmother though.

Another acute memory comes to mind:

Upon reaching the age of maturity, the question of career choices started to surface.

I opted for college, but being that my family was poor, college seemed out of reach at that time.

After constant badgering by my grandmother, I decided to join the US military.

This made her proud but envious at the same time.

She implored me-almost pleading-to not get pregnant for fear that I would squander any chance for a future in which I could be independent.

She even reasoned that women who got pregnant-whether intentionally or not-were stupid given the wide array of birth control available.

While finally able to break away from my grandmother’s psychological grip, sadly, I have seen her predictions come true!!

Over the years I have witnessed, many friends and co-workers fall short of being up to the task of motherhood!!!

Please note that this is not a judgment…

I am just saying.

After bearing witness to the enormous struggles these women faced-some of them doing the job by themselves-I can honestly say that I found motherhood to be sheer hell.

A life sentence!!!!

With all of my heart, I believe that men concocted the idea of the joys of motherhood to assert total control over women

Well time for me to descend the soapbox.

Until next time….

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