Thin Line

I have been wondering lately about the old adage about a thin line between love and hate.

How is it that some relationships can start out so wonderful but then end in destruction with both parties at each other’s throats?

While I am not one for self-reflection, I must admit that this has always the case with me.

I consider myself a warm and giving person.

Always in relationships I am the one who ends up giving 70 or 80 percent and he 20 or 30 percent at most.

And in my typical fashion, I always end up becoming bitter and resentful.

So bitter in fact, that I set out on a mission to seek and destroy by any means necessary.

I have been advised many times by well-meaning friends to take the high road!

Do I listen?

No!!!

My philosophy is- if I am hurting then I want him to hurt also!

Unfortunately this has become the pattern for me in relationships as of late.

While revenge feels good for a moment, it leaves my soul diminished.

A relative of mine told me that I have a problem with letting go.

This most recent relationship has left me the most angriest that I have ever been!

My extreme anger extends from the fact that in the beginning I wasn’t really feeling him. I absolutely didn’t want to be bothered.

But isn’t it always the case that the more he persists our resolve starts to weaken?

This was compounded by the fact of him putting me on a pedestal!

And all of sudden, he just stopped!

I was left wondering what I did wrong to make him lose interest.

Was I not pretty enough?

Smart enough?

What?

Tell me please!!!

Then I stared remembering the sacrifices I made for him.

Then I really got pissed!

His response?

“I have always thanked you for everything. I never took advantage of you!!

Of course this only made me angrier!

The back and forth banter eventually reached a crescendo with him calling for a truce!

I, of course refused!!

Now?

We are totally unable to salvage any semblance of a friendship.

The schism between us created by my desire to totally annihilate him cannot possibly be amended.

What have I gained?

I honestly don’t know.

At times I chastise myself for not heeding the advice of friends by just walking away and letting go.

Truthfully, I did not feel that this was an option.

In all honestly it made me feel like a punk!!

On the other hand, I don’t feel like a champ either.

All I know is that I am still very angry.

My only hope is that time will dull the anger!

Sorry readers for the prattle!!

Your advice is sorely needed.

Until next time….

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